Hello again, we’re diving deep into my life today..
Grab your drink, snack and get cozy honey.
My name is A. I’m 19 however I will hit the brink of no longer a teenager in only a few days! Some would call me quirky, sweet, innocent, bubbly, and always smiling. The truth is that is only the persona I give off. I’ve been through many life changing events that can really make a person hate oneself but I never allow people to see it.
Born with foot deformity I have been in an out of hospital ever since 11 months old; having 15 surgeries on both feet. Having an emotionally and mentally abusive father makes me literally have daddy issues. Raped by someone I never thought possible. It all shaped me to be the person I am; and that person is everything I named but also deceptive and manipulative.
I’m in the process of getting out of my bad habits but damn is it hard!
Lucky enough I look back into the past and it’s not all bad. Kay which was my mother always had my back. That involves being cooped up in a hospital room for months with me, letting me cry on her shoulder at any and all times, standing up for me when I was bullied by not only my peers but brothers, and finally the only person to believe what I said when I told my family about the rape. She was not only an outstanding mother but friend, mentor, nurse, playmate, chauffeur, etc.
I lost all of that in May of 2018.
Passing away a week before my high school graduation and a week after my 18th birthday. I felt lost and was loosing my mind but I had to stay strong for the rest of my family. I distract myself with tasks that she would’ve had to do. Later in life so much so that I became a house wife and financial advisor for my dad. He had open heart surgery and my brothers didn’t help too much so it all fell on me. I couldn’t take it anymore.
My family had super high expectations of me being that I need to help my dad as much as I could, become a full time student with a full time job.. I couldn’t take the stress anymore so I tried something I’m ashamed of.
I tried meth for the first time!
That’s when my life really took a turn. It started off as a once in a blue moon de-stressor. Not to mention I cried for an hour my first time ever trying it.. I felt what it was like to stand on your tip-tips, jump, skips, and run like a normal person with normal average feet.
The once in a blue moon turned into once a week — once a day — finally 3-5 times a day. I was using for 5 months loosing 60lbs total and my family never even noticed.
In my eyes they never noticed because I’ve been hiding how I really am for my entire life; I’ve become a pro at faking it. I didn’t even act like I was on anything. The only person that said something was my brother a week before I confessed.. he told me I looked like a crackhead. Which to each is own but I did, I lost all that weight in a 5 months span… that’s fucking crazy!
I realized how it was affect not only myself but the people around me. I confided in my dad and admitted I had a problem and needed help; he was purely ashamed and wanted nothing more to do with me. I got in contact with my god family and within a matter of 3 days I moved homes, states, and now I’m on a journey of a new life.
So that’s my past, and this is where I’m at in life. Join my journey and read along as I live through this subconscious reality.
-A
The A World 